Out of Hand
by Lisa Anne1
Summary: A narrative piece that revolves around April. She is telling her story about how she got to that faithful night. It was once known as I Never Meant to Hurt You but I changed the story and the title didn't fit any more. Let me know what you think! Thanks!
1. Chapter 1

Out Of Hand

Author's Note: This is a story I started writing a while ago but never finished. Recently I found my notes on the story and I want to finish it. I am updating some spelling and grammatical errors but I am going to finish it.

This is my second attempt to write a Rent fan fic. This is a story from April's POV and is mostly a narrative. I have updated the title as well as chapters. This story was just a thought that I had. I hope people like it. It is going to be multi-chapters. Comments are always welcomed. Enjoy!

PS-Since there is drug abuse and some other stuff mentioned in this chapter it is rated PG-13, at least.

Chapter One-The Beginning

_Okay, so things got out of hand. My life, in particular, is out of hand, especially right now. Tonight, well what can I say? Tonight got so out of hand, but I don't think that I have any other choice. The pain is just too much to take…too much to handle. Wait, let me back up. I'll back up and tell you about my life._

I grew up and lived a very privileged life. I was very lucky in the atmosphere in which I was raised. My parents raised my older sister and on the upper West Side of New York City. We also had a summer home in the Hamptons and on the beaches and resorts in Europe. I don't want to brag but my summers were filled with being at the beach and hanging out with the children of very famous and successful people in the entertainment industry.

My sister Julie and I used to be so close growing up. She is five years older than me. I was the typical little sister. Everything she did I wanted to do too. She is the smartest person I ever knew and the most beautiful too. She is the first woman in our family to not only become a medical doctor, but she is the youngest person to be the head of the gynecology department in a very prestigious hospital outside the city. I don't know how she did it.

I always felt the pressure to follow in her foot steps. I did inspire to have her stride and her admiration for something that I was passionate about, but I never had any desire to become a doctor.

I always loved school and loved learning. Despite the fact that my parents thought I was wasting my life, I still enrolled at New York University. I wanted to be an actress. I looked at the parents of my friends who lived in the Hamptons and all around the city. They did look glamorous but they worked hard. They had the greatest job, entertaining people. I wanted to do that. I wanted to be a good actress who could do anything.

I was beginning to achieve my dream at school. While in school I did a few commercials and got the lead parts in plays we did at school. By my sophomore year of school, I had even my parents convinced that I was heading towards stardom.

I worked hard but I also liked to hang out with my friends and do all of the things crazy college kids enjoy doing. I went to lots of parties and mostly did socializing and I stayed away from drugs and booze. I was so happy all the time; I didn't need to do any of that stuff. I had watched one too many special after school specials to start to experiment, but there is always a first time.

It was at one of those crazy college parties that I met Lucas. He wasn't just good looking but he was sexy. We got to know each other a little because we had the same agent. We also had some of the same classes. He was a year ahead of me. I couldn't believe this gorgeous man was into me. He had the most radiant green eyes and the cutest dimple in the middle of his chin. He was the first man I ever loved.

That night I didn't act like the prim and proper princess that I was raised to be. I let my hair down and I guess I never really got around to putting it back up. That night I was introduced to a world that I only knew from movies and television shows.

Lucas and I slept together that night. He was my first. I was stupid and blinded by his glowing persona to realize that he wouldn't be my last. He introduced me to a very dark world, a world that my parents had always told me only scum lead.

After that first time we slept together, he rolled off of me and reached into the drawer of his night stand. He pulled out a little plastic box that was supposed to be used to store pens and pencils. Instead of a writing instrument he pulled out a needle. I witnessed my first person shooting up.

Naively, I asked if he was a diabetic. He giggled at my innocence and gave me a kiss. He explained to me heroin helped him to relax. He said it was really safe and he liked the way it made him feel. He gave it to me to try. I said no at first. He told me he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I was frightened but I gave in to him. I thought that Lucas cared about me and he wouldn't want to hurt me or let me do something to hurt me. I did it. It felt strange but I was all right.

Lucas and I stayed together for several months. He continued to show me a dark world filled with drugs I had never heard of and lots of booze and sex. As long as I had Lucas at my side, I figured I was all right.

While I was off gallivanting around, my grades suffered. I went from being on the dean's list and working very hard to barely getting papers done and barely passing tests. Then, over night the party life caught up with me. I began to skip classes and rehearsals. I was so strung out all the time that NYU kicked me out.

My parents of course were very angry and disappointed with me. They didn't understand what was wrong with me. I left my cozy apartment and moved back home. They wanted to keep an eye on me. They thought maybe since I began loosing weight that I was stressed out with the modeling and bit acting that it was taking its toll on me.

Meanwhile, my sister was finishing up medical school at Harvard University in Cambridge Massachusetts. She was still striving to make our mom and dad proud of her. My parents had no idea about my addiction, none the less how bad it was. They would give me over five hundred dollars a week for an allowance. I would spend it in just a few days on drugs for Lucas and I. I was going through money like it was water. When my money ran out, I went through the house and would pawn little items that brought in a lot of money. Crystal vases, silver frames, anything that would score us enough money for another high. My mother initially thought it was our cleaning lady. I could have asked my parents for more money and they would have given it to me, happily. The only catch was that I would have to tell them where it was going. Instead of me explaining myself, mom fired the maid.

I would sleep in until one or two in the afternoon. This hadn't concerned my parents. They were still thinking I was stressed out. My parents were so clueless. They came to their own conclusion that school just wasn't for me.

Lucas was a frequent visitor at out home. My parents loved him and didn't see anything wrong with him. They adored him. They had him over a lot for dinner or lunch. He was good at pulling a blind right over their eyes. I think since their dreams of me graduating form school wasn't going to work; they put all of their hopes and faith in Lucas. I think they hoped that he would end up being my betrothed. They had no idea about our dark world.

Lucas, whose parents were also wealthy but lived in California, loved the things my parents owned. He too helped me find goods to pawn. He would go right into their dressers or desk drawers and just take money. He took anything that he felt was worth value to feed his addiction.

The longer I stayed at home and with Lucas, the worse my problem became. Things started to change when I didn't make my flight to Boston to see my sister graduate from Harvard (by the way, she was number one in her graduating class). Instead of being with my family and applauding my sister on her accomplishments, I was alone, at Lucas' apartment. He told me he had to run out to a friends' apartment to pick up more "candy."

He did return, but he returned with another girl. I hurt so badly from being hung over and strung out and not taking care of my body. Neither one of them acknowledged my presences in the room when they walked in. They were all over each other and couldn't wait to share their "goodies." There was nothing better than a little drugs after sex.

Lucas and I broke up. It turned out that the girl who he was involved with came from a more affluent family than mine, which meant more drug money. When I was preparing to leave, he promised me he would call. He was never made good with his promises.

After that, I promised myself I would get back on track. I would stop using. After all, I wanted to be an actress and I couldn't on that stuff.

When my family returned form Boston, they were all furious. I had been able to avoid their calls but I couldn't avoid them presences. I had told them that I missed my plane and the airline wouldn't refund my ticket or let me switch it. I also said that I called and left messages with the concierge at the hotel, but obviously they never got it. My parents bought it but my sister had her suspicions, which she should have.

A few days later Julie had walked into my room. She caught me while I was changing my shirt. I hadn't used in several days and I didn't think anything of it. She saw my arms where I had shot up. She asked me what I was doing to myself. I tried to tell her I had a hard time giving blood. She told me she knew the marks were from drugs. I was flabbergasted. I tried to deny it but I couldn't give her some lame ass excuse. She wasn't my parents.

Julie reached out to me in her own way, of course. She gave me an ultimatum. She said she knew of a group therapy she could get me into without telling my parents. The other option was that she would tell them for me. I knew my parents would have flipped out. I knew that they would have thrown me out of the house. I promised Julie I would get help.

My sobriety lasted only a few months until Julie's next accomplishment. She and her high school boyfriend were engaged to be married and were going to become parents. She was three months pregnant. I was so happy for her but the weeks that followed I was stressed out. I was planning both of her showers and organizing everything. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know how to handle the stress.

It was the day I went shopping by myself in SoHo. I ran into a "friend" of Lucas'. Of course by friend I mean dealer. He told me that Lucas' landlord suspected that he was using drugs. He was having a party that got completely out of hand and the landlord called the cops. They busted Lucas for possession of drugs. The "friend" said he was serving a three year sentence.

After exchanging a few more rounds of small talk, I told the dealer I needed some drugs. It was the only way that I felt I could de-stress. I didn't know how else to deal with it. The therapist certainly wasn't helping me out.

We met later that night. Since Julie was handling all of my money and was still watching me like a hawk, I had to retreat to an old bad habit. I had to pawn something. I found the first necklace that Julie's fiancé bought her. It wasn't overly expensive, and I just wanted a small rush so the drugs wouldn't be that much money. The necklace was the perfect item to pawn. The "friend" liked it. He said he was going to give it to his daughter, which kind of creeped me out.

Soon after that meeting I all together stopped going to my therapy sessions. I thought I had everything under control. I had new friends. I found people who had lives that were parallel to the one that I had lived with Lucas. It was another avenue that was fast and filled with sex, drugs and booze. I would be gone on highs that lasted for days. I stopped going home all the time. My parents questioned me, of course. Looking back I knew they were worried about me. God, I knew they just loved me and wanted me to be safe. I think they were catching on to what was happening to me. Julie might have even clued them in. I think they chose to believe that my behavior didn't happen in our family. They put themselves into a state of denial.

The end of the road of over looking me and my problems came the last time I stumbled into their home. I think I had been wasted for almost two weeks. I hadn't called that entire time. I was living life in the fast lane and was constantly high. During those two weeks I screwed up big time. I missed Julie's wedding shower.

After arguing for over an hour and me being stubborn and refusing to seek help, my parents gave me ten thousand dollars and told me to leave. They told me I was welcomed to come back home at any time as long as I cleaned up my act. As long as I was sober. Other wise, if I continued my lifestyle of partying and leading the wild life that I was, then I was dead to them. That was that. The summers at the beach house in the Hamptons had ended as well as my dreams.

Author's note: Okay, this is the first chapter. I am going to try and not make all of the chapters this depressing but this is a very informative chapter. What did you think?


	2. Trying

                                    Chapter Two-Trying

            AN: I took a little break from writing this since I had no reviews.  I don't know why but this story has stuck with me.  I'm going to try and repost the first chapter and I have changed the title.  Please, feed back is good, even if you tell me I suck (just be constructive and explain why I suck!).  Thanks!

            The Honey Bee wasn't as sweet as it sounds.  The restaurant wasn't clean but the clientele didn't want to eat.  They didn't want to sit down and chat over happy hour, hell, the "restaurant" wasn't even opened during happy hours.  The place was a total dive.  It attracted the likes of pimps, prostitutes and drug lords.  I had seen people raped around the area as well as tripped over dirty needles.

            My first night there wasn't a very happy experience.  I had men approach me thinking that I was a hooker.  I had men corner me and threatened me if I didn't have sex with them.  Luckily my boss stepped in and explained I was just the new help.  Some of the men looked at me up and down and smiled.  Then they asked if I wanted a job that paid more than my new one.  I politely said no and then got back to work.

            "Interesting place, isn't it toots?" A slender tall blond asked.

            "I'm sorry, are you talking to me?"  I asked.

            "You are new, aren't you?"  Without waiting for an answer she introduced herself.  "I'm Candice. I've been here for just over six months. Well, at this job anyways.  I've been in the city for almost four years.  I'm sorry, listen to me just babble, I didn't get your name."  

            "April.  I'm April, nice to meet you," I said.  I looked at her.  She didn't seem older than me.  Then I wondered if she was my age, how she had been in the city for almost four years? That would have made her fourteen and on her own.  "Is it always crazy here?"

            Candice offered me a cigarette.  "Of course it is.  My advice to you my friend is never walk around here alone.  A lot can happen. Where are you staying?"

            The truth was I was staying in the park. I didn't have a home.  "I'm around."

            Candice shook her head.  "You have no place to go?  Why don't you stay with me?  I have a couch you could crash on my couch.  What time are you off?"

            "At five."

                        "Me too.  I'll walk you to my place after our shifts are over and we'll talk some more."  Candice explained as she died her cigarette out and saw our boss signaling to her.  "Work calls hon."

            The rest of the night wasn't that bad.  I had my ass grabbed numerous times as well as vulgar comments but I dealt with it.  Soon it was five.  Thank God, I sighed. 

            "Ready April?"  Candice said to me.  She was serious about me living with her, I was shocked.

            I gathered my few belongings and followed her out the door. 

            "It's a cool morning, isn't it?"  All I did was nod.  She could tell I was a little uncomfortable so she tried breaking the ice another way.

            "Not the talking type hu?  Well, I can surely do enough talking for the both of us.  I ran away from my foster family when I was younger.  I was being abused by my foster parents.  My foster mother used to tell me I was no good and used to throw stuff at me.  She limited my food because she told me I was getting too fat. I reported them but no one believed me.  When social services told them I had reported my foster mom, things progressively got worse.  The beating became more frequent and food became less frequent.  I had to earn my food.  Hell, my foster father even had his fun with me in the bedroom."  Candice shared as she teared up a little.  "That's what brought me here.  I knew that no one would look for me.  I've been through so much shit that I want to get my GED and then go to college to be a therapist.  I have had a lot of experience and feel that I could help other girls.  It will be years and years until I get there, but I will."

            I just stared at her, I couldn't imagine growing up without my family.  My family had been supportive, until I screwed up.

            "What about you?  What's your story?"  She switched subjects.

            I explained to her my family life.  I explained how I went from a life of privilege to living on the streets.  "I just enjoy the drugs.  It's hard to give it up."

            Candice's smile got big.  "I understand that.  I have some stuff back at my place if you'd like to share."

            "Really?  You would do that?"  I remember asking her dumbfound.

            Candice smiled and laughed.  "We're family now so of course, I'd share with you!"

            Life with Candice was fun.  We worked the same shifts and were always together.  She knew the best parties to go to.  We got high and shot up frequently.  I hardly remember a time when I wasn't on some kind of high.

            It was around Christmas time when I found myself near Rockefeller Center.  I don't know what I was doing there as I was in between highs.  I roamed through the area and walked over to Saks.  I looked in the window as people hurried by me.  Someone even slipped a twenty dollar bill in my pocket.  Talk about Christmas generosity.

            I was about to leave when someone caught my eye at the door.  It was a woman

with a baby carriage.  As the woman got closer to me she looked at me.

            "April?"  The woman asked.

            I looked closer.  I knew her, I knew I did.  As I glanced at her it dawned on me.  It was Julie, my sister.  My sister was married and had a one year old son. 

            "Julie.  He's so big."

            Julie studied me.  At the time I thought she was putting her noise down at me.  Now looking back, she was just saddened by my image.  She was saddened by the relationship we once had where it lead.  No matter what I did, that relationship would never be again.

            We exchanged small talk for a few minutes.  She then did something that I am still surprised over.  "Here, take this.  Get yourself something to eat and god April, get some new clothes.  April, I wish you would change.  I want David to know his aunt.  When you get some help, call me.  I love you and miss you.  Take care of yourself."  Julie said as she gave me a kiss on my dirty cheek.

            I looked down at the money.  There was over two hundred dollars in my hands.  There was also a business card with Julie's number. 

            I was angry and stormed back to Candice's apartment.  I was looking for our stash and found nothing but weed.  Then I looked in a different place and found the needle and the white powder. 

            Crying I searched for a rubber band, a piece of cloth, something I could try and get a vein with.  I was crying.  I wanted the pain to stop.  I found a rubber band and sat on the floor.  I tried to get a vein going but I was too upset.  I studied the needle for a minute.  I slammed it on the floor and cried.

            Images of my sister and her son flashed through my head.  Then I saw my parents and my childhood home and Julie again.  I knew what I had to do and I was ready to do it.

            I got up and looked for a piece of paper and a pen.  I started writing:

                                                _Candice,_

_                               I am so sorry to say goodbye this way.  I have to leave.  Know how we always laughed at the thought of getting help?  I saw my sister and I am going to get cleaned up. She has a baby and this whole other life I don't know about.  I need to try and clean up so I can see the baby. I can't clean up and be here.   Thank you for being there when no one else was.  I wish you luck.  You are going to be a great counselor and help a lot of girls like us._

_                                                The best, April_   

            I dropped the note, grabbed a few belongings and took one last work.  I was leaving.  I left and looked for a shelter to get help.


	3. Getting There

Chapter Three- Getting There

I was living in style, well, not really. I was in a half way house not too far from where I had grown up. The thought of running into my parents frightened me. I wanted to get better and surprise them. I wanted to surprise Julie too. Most of all, I wanted to surprise myself.

It had been six months since I left Candice's house and ended up at a homeless shelter. The next morning at the shelter I got set up with a program at a local hospital to try and kick my habit. I was doing well so far.

It was a beautiful spring day when I was walking home from my job. I was working as a sales clerk at record store. I liked it. I had made friends easily. I liked everyone I worked with but Jim, Christy and Rosie were the best, so I thought. They were what I thought were true friends.

I thought about my sister. Julie and I also occasionally talked. Her son was almost a year and a half. Time was flying by. I knew that Julie wanted to believe in her heart that I was better, but her brain was telling her to think. She remained a little distant in fear I guess. I think she feared that I would relapse, which common for people who were trying to clean up. I realized within the first week of being in the rehab that I killed my relationship with my sister.

As I turned the corner to try and catch the bus to my group session, I noticed a woman sitting on the bench. She looked familiar but harsh. She was disheveled wearing ripped nylons and a short skirt. Her button down blouse was dirty and wrinkled. The woman intrigued me. I knew she had seen her somewhere before but I couldn't place her.

The light bulb went on as I approached the bench. "Candice?" I whispered.

She looked up at me with these big eyes. Her eyes were hollow. She was hollow. She was very frail and pale. "Toots, how the hell have you been?" She smiled at me with her front tooth missing.

"Better than you. What the hell happened to you? You look like crap." I told my old friend.

She just smiled. "Nice to see you too!" She grinned. "I had a profession change. Remember that creep Victor?"

All I could do was nod. Victor was a big time pimp who always tried pressuring the entire waitress staff at Honey Bees to prostitute for him. He was known to beat his women as well as rape them.

"Well, Honey's went under and he offered me a job making more money and fewer hours. He's my boss." She laughed as she bummed a cigarette off of me.

"Candice, you have to do something before it's too late. I know a place, a number of a good-"

"Shrink?" She interrupted me as she puffed. "I was going to be one of those one day. I don't wanna any more. I can't help myself and I ain't no good at helping others. Look at you! You went all twelve steps on me. Which step are you on honey?"

I didn't respond, I couldn't respond. I was sad for her. I couldn't say anything.

"It's okay toots, its better this way. Life is easier this way. Listen, I have got to go. I have to get back to work, know what I mean?" She laughed. Her grin soon faded and she grew serious. "Good for you honey for doing the things I couldn't do. Be good and keep it up." Candice gave hr a quick hug and then walked down the street.

I thought about Candice that whole day. I spoke about her at my meeting and then my therapy session. I talked to anyone who listened about her. I wanted to help her even though she couldn't help herself.

I got back to the home and took a nice long bath. I couldn't think about Candice any more.

After I got out of the bath I went downstairs to get a magazine. One of the girls was watching the news. "How can you watch this crap?" I asked.

"I'm only watching it for the weather. It should be one soon."

The weather man did predict that it was going to be seasonably warm for the city.

As Amanda went to shut off the TV, a story came on that caught my interest. "Mandy, could you leave this one for a sec?"

"The body of twenty year old Candice Danes was found brutally beaten in an alley way. Victor Hurmans, who is believed to be Danes' pimp, has been arrested with connection to her death. Police believe that Hurmans is responsible for several other beating and murders around the city," the news woman continued but I couldn't take my face away from the TV. Candice, who I found after six months, who I offered help that very day, was now dead.

"Are you al right?" Mandy asked me.

"I have to go, "I told her as I got my shoes.

"It's after curfew, you'll get in trouble." She shouted back as I opened the door and left.

I wondered around the same streets crying. I couldn't believe what I had seen on the news.

I finally found a seat on the bench. I buried my face in my hands.

"Excuse, are you all right?" A young attractive male asked me. He was dressed preppy-ish and looked like a boy I might have ended up with had I been straight.

"No, no I'm not," I answered as I told this stranger everything about my day and Candice's murder.

The man introduced himself as Fred. He lived a few blocks from the park. We talked for a few more minutes. He was very comforting and made me laugh. After he got me from hysterics to just crying, he offered to help.

"I have something that would make you forget all about your pain. I just lost someone close to me and it works. I have a stash of different drugs."

I shook my head. "That's nice but I am recovering, I actually snuck out of my program to go for a walk."

"You're all ready out, so what's one more time? You'll forget about the pain."

After thinking about it for a minute, I stupidly obliged. "It's just this once, I can't do this again."

Fred handed her what she wanted and smiled. "Sure it is."


	4. The Begining of the End

                                     Chapter Four- The Beginning of the End

AN:  This is the first new chapter in almost a year.  I am hoping to have it all finished and updated within a few days.  Please leave feedback of any kind!!  Thanks!

            Almost another six months had passed and as Thanksgiving passed, Christmas was nearing again.  I was thinking about that last time I used, right after Candice's death.  I got into loads of trouble at the house, but I was able to stay clean after that.  Yes, it had been six months and counting since I saw Fred.  He would randomly show up where I was and tried to get me to come around.  I kept on rejecting him.  He told me it was only a matter of time, I didn't believe him.  I knew that people fell on their way to recovery and I had fallen and I didn't want to be down again.

            I was living in an apartment that was just a little bigger than a walk in closet, by myself in SoHo.  I really didn't need more than a bed anyway.  It was tiny, but it was a place that I liked and called home.  It was a change to have a home that I didn't have to share with eight other people. 

            I also still had my job at the music store.  I knew I needed more in my life than that mediocre job, but I loved it there.  I loved my friends.  They were really supportive.  Whenever I was around them we had fun.  That's why I think it was awkward when I walked into that conversation that day at work.

            "So who else is going?"  I heard Christy ask Jim.

            "Like everyone!  Brad and Jennie are going together and Melanie, Elanie and Jeremy too.  It is going to be awesome!"  Jim explained cheerfully.

            "Is Jeremy going to make his famous 'punch?'" Christy asked.

            Jim looked up and saw me, so he just nodded.

            "Punch, I like punch."  I said butting into their conversation.  "Where is it?

            "Sorry, we were just talking about a function that we are going to."  Christy explained.

            "Function?  That makes it sound all formal and stuff," I replayed.  "What kind of a function is it?"

            Christy and Jim both knew that I was a recovering addict.  They both knew that

temptations were everywhere, especially living in New York City.  Christy was a horrible liar so she didn't even try to hide their conversation.  "We were talking about a party that we are going to."

            "Oh, when?"

            "Saturday night, but we aren't going to go.  We promised you we'd do dinner and then a game or something."

            "No, you could go to the party, I understand.  Have fun."  I answered kind of disappointed.  It had been a while since I had gone to s social gathering like that.  Then I thought it was probably a good thing that I didn't go.  Even if there were no drugs there, there would be booze.  I was walking away and relieved that they didn't ask me to go when Jim followed me.

            "Hey April, wait up.  I hope you don't think we don't want to hang out with you.  We just know that this really isn't your scene any more."

            I smiled.  "It's no problem.  Don't worry, I'll be fine." I said smiling.

            He sighed for a second.  "I hope I don't regret this, but do you want to go with us after dinner?"

            "I don't think I'd be able to do that."  I snapped.

            "Look, yes some of the people there do engage in illegal drug use.  Actually, I am going to get some pot, I don't mess with any of that heavy crap.  I promise we won't be there long and if you feel uncomfortable, we'll leave."  Jim offered.

            "Listen, I know you trying to be nice but don't worry.  I'll be fine. Have fun."

            "You know, you can't avoid scenes like these for the rest of your life.  You should test yourself, see if you want really do it.  See if you can stay away from it when it is right there in front of you.  I challenge you."  Jim smiled.

            I accept his challenge.  I was at the party for almost twenty minutes.  Christy was with me but Jim was no where to be found.  This party was a throw back to my days of partying.  It kind of felt like a home coming of sorts, like coming home to a dysfunctional family.  There was part of me that wanted to join this family and take part in the activities that I saw.  I wanted to take the joint and smoke it and find that girl I saw with the needle a few minutes before and ask her if she'd share. 

            Then there was the other part of me that needed to keep it together.  I needed to say no.  I did just that.  I made it through my first party and I was all right.

            There would be many, many parties to follow.  I stayed strong at all of them.  Christy and Jim were impressed, I was even impressed.  I was over it.  I did it.

            I even ventured out New Year's Eve with them to a party.  I had been to many parties in the past with so many pills, powders, joints and booze that I couldn't keep track of everything I saw.  This party was no exception.  It was in a beautiful home in Greenwich.  There were a lot of beautiful people and lots of drugs to ring in the New Year.  I literally looked around and thought I was the only one who was not doing any of them.  People were really nice and tried to share their treats, that's how it usually was.  No one wanted to do this crap alone.  These people would have rather basked in the company of complete strangers to get high than to do it by themselves.  I said no to about twenty different things.  Jim was off talking to a group of people I had never seen and Christy had left to with a handsome man. 

            I took a walk over to their balcony.  It was freezing outside but I had to get out of there.  I was by myself.  It was so cold outside and I didn't have my jacket.  After a few minutes of pondering my next move, I decided to grab my jacket and leave. I had enough of this scene and I had to leave before it was too late.           

            I went inside and grabbed my coat from the closet.  I looked around to find Jim but I couldn't.  He was probably getting high somewhere with that cute guy he just met.  I was close to the door when I woman stopped me.

            "Are you leaving all ready?"  She asked.

            "Yea, parties aren't my scene.  I should be going."  I answered as I reached for the door.

            "Come on, stay and have another drink.  My boyfriend will be here with a new stash.  There is plenty to do around here.  Take this," she said as she dug into her pocket and pulled out a spoon and a small bag filled with white powder.  I'll get you a needle."

            "NO!"  I shouted rudely.

            "Well, I am sorry.  You don't have to be rude.  I was just trying to bring in the New Year and trying to make you chill a bit. I was just trying to be nice." 

            I sighed.  "Yes you were trying to be nice, thank you.  I'm sorry I was rude to you."

            She smiled.  "That's all right.  I understand that it's the holidays and they can be stressful."  She waved the small white bag in front of me.  I could feel the drool form around my lips form because I wanted it so badly.  "Care to distress?" 

            I wanted to say no, I did.  It seemed as if time was moving in slow motion as the bag rocked from one side to the other.  My eyes fixated on it. 

            I swallowed hard.  I looked around and then looked at this woman.  "Where did you say that needle was?"

            She grabbed me by the hand and we went to her bathroom.

            The next morning I woke up at two in the afternoon in my bed.  I had no idea how I got home.  I didn't feel bad but I felt groggy.  My body ached but it didn't hurt.  I walked into my bathroom and washed my face.  I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed my bare arms.  I saw several markings from the needle. I sighed and looked down.  I failed again. 

            I didn't have the feeling that I wanted to do it again or that I wanted more.  I figured I was all right.

            I went on with my life for almost a week.  I was proud of myself but I then thought if I handled it that once, then I could do it again.  I could do it again and be fine.

            I went looking for Fred by the end of the week and found him.  The truth is I did buy stuff from him a few times after the night that we met.  I used it rarely but I had still used that crap. He supplied me what I wanted, which usually wasn't that much or that often.      

            I paid him for the stash and went back to work.  I tucked my stash into my wallet and continued with my day.  I finally had something to look forward to when I got home that night.


	5. Something Good

                                                Chapter Five- Something Good

            AN: This chapter isn't too long.  It is just to introduce a new character.  Be warned that towards the end there is real mild language.  Again, I am working very hard on finishing this story sooner than later!  Just a reminder, feedback is wonderful!! J

            I was on my way to some club to meet up with Christy and Jim.  Some rock band they liked was playing and asked me to tag along.  I wasn't much into music but I agreed to tag along. I was running late, of course.

            It was a beautiful spring night.  As I walked up to the street from the subway, I noticed that the stars were so bright.  The moon looked like a huge spotlight.  It was an amazing night.

            I walked through my park to see if I could find Fred before the show.  If I had to sit through a show I didn't want to go to, I at least wanted something to look forward to after the show.  I couldn't find him.  Since I was late anyway, I continued on to the club.

            Once I entered I couldn't find Christy or Jim.  I walked all around and saw no sign of them.  I decided to stand by a table near the stage.  I had a good view of the stage as well as the door.  

            The band wasn't half bad.  The singer was really great.  He had lots of charisma and a great voice.  Best of all, he was gorgeous.  He was very passionate when he performed and you could just tell he loved every minute of it.  I decided to stay and watch the rest of the set.  After the band finished I would look for Christy and Jim and then I would go home.

            As I scanned the room to look for my friends, I couldn't help feel that someone was watching me.  As I looked around my focus was back to the stage.  The hot singer was watching me as he came back to the stage to sing one last song. I smiled as he sang into the microphone and smiled back. 

            The end of the set came much too soon.  I waited for a few minutes before I went in search of my friends.  As I began to look, someone tapped my shoulder.  As I turned around, I noticed a familiar man.  It was the lead singer of the band.

            "Can I help you?"  I asked.

            He smiled.  I believed that his smile could actually melt my heart.  "Did you enjoy the band?"  He shouted due to the noise.

            I returned his smile.  "They were all right."

            "Just all right?"  He asked still smiling but sounding disappointed.  "Well, I am Roger and it is now my obligation to buy you a beer to try and make up for the mediocre entertainment.  There is a place across the street that is a little quieter.  What do you say?"

            With his smile and disposition, how could I say no?  I introduced myself too and followed him from the crowded room into the much quieter one.  It was literally right across the street.

            "Hey Rog, two drafts?"  The bartender asked as the singer and I sat down at the bar.

            "That would be great, thanks. So April, do you make a habit of going out to clubs by yourself in this neighborhood?"  Roger asked as he lit a cigarette and offered me one.

            I smiled as he lit my cigarettes.  I took a puff before I answered.  "I was looking for my friends but I never found them. I figured after I watched the band's set I would go look for them but I got distracted."

            The bartender put the beers in front of us as Roger answered, "Distractions will get you into trouble."

            "Trust me," I began to say as I took a swig from the bottle, "this isn't trouble.  I'm recovering from trouble and it looks nothing like this."

            Roger was a little puzzled.  He wasn't stupid but he wasn't sure exactly what she meant.  "You are intriguing April.  Tell me about yourself."

            I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with this conversation.  It had been a long time since a guy took interest in me.  I decided to tell him a little about my current life.  I didn't know well enough to tell him I was a sometimes drug addict but much better than I once was.

            In return he told me some things about himself.  He was funny and charming.  I also noticed whenever he would laugh, his eyes danced.  I couldn't believe that this hysterically fascinating man was actually completely focused on me, and drugs never came up.

            "Hey Roger, it's almost four, we're getting ready to close."  The bartender explained.

            "Holy shit, is it that late?"  Roger asked as he put out a cigarette.  We both couldn't believe that it was that late.  "How about we finish our beers and I will walk you home?" 

            I nodded.  As I finished my third beer of the night, I still couldn't believe how comfortable I felt with Roger.  I obviously hadn't known him that long but I felt completely at ease and comfortable with him.  It seemed as if I had known him a lot longer than the four hours in which we chatted.           

            Once we reached my apartment, he gave me a sweet, tender kiss and promised to call in the morning.  Roger was a man of his word. 


	6. Chapter 6 The Beginning of the End II

                                    Chapter 6 -The Beginning of the End II

            Four months had breezed by.   My time with Roger seemed to just go on and on. .Some times we wouldn't even get out of bed.  We were always together.  Roger would stop by the record store to surprise me with coffee or lunch.  My friends really liked him and they were excited for me that someone so great and wonderful was in my life. At night when he wasn't playing with his band, he was bartending and sometimes acted as a bouncer in clubs (that made me laugh because he wasn't a big guy).   After he left work or was done playing a gig, I had taught myself to cook and I would make him something to eat.

            There were some things we did I wasn't too proud of. Namely, I was the one who introduced Roger to the world of drugs.  Can you believe a rocker who had never used drugs existed in New York City?  Not me, until I met him.  We would frequent the drugs but it didn't consume out lives.  He didn't care for it but would use with me.

            One morning, out of the clear blue, he came up with an idea.  Roger asked me to move in with him and his friends in a loft.  The loft was something to be desired but rent was cheap, hell, it was free!  We had spent almost everyday in those four months together and splitting our time between both of our places that it only seemed right that we moved in together.  I knew all of his friends and roommates.  I liked them and felt that they liked me.

            Roger's friends seemed like a colorful bunch.  There were five of them sharing the loft, which was decent size.  There was of course Roger and his best friend Mark, who he had grown up with.  If Roger was the rock star, Mark was the anti.  He was the complete polar opposite of Roger.  He was kind of dorky and bookwormish.  He always had a video camera and was always taping something.  He was an aspiring independent film maker.  One thing about him though was that he was very thoughtful and very intelligent. 

            Then there was Maureen, who was Mark's girlfriend.  She was beautiful and had long curly brown hair that I had always wanted.  She protested a lot of things and was very passionate about her interests.  Even though I saw them in front of me, I couldn't believe that someone so beautiful was with Mark.  Again, he seemed to be the odd man out. Maureen was very nice to me and told me she was excited there would be another girl in the loft.

            Collins was a friend Roger and Mark had made when the first moved to the city.  He was a teacher or a tutor of some kind.  He was kind of all around and not really at the loft that often.  He was very smart and knew how to party.  He was a very sweet man.

            Then there was Benny, who was not there most of the time.  He was seeing a rich girl from my old neighborhood.  I was relived when he told me her name but I didn't know her, she was a few years older than me.  I wondered if she had known my sister but decided not to ask.  Benny was all right when he was there.  He was nice enough to talk to and was always nice to me.  He just wasn't at the loft that often for me to really get to know.

            I felt like I was starting my life over, yet again, with these people.  With the exception of Roger, no one knew about my past.  No one knew that I was estranged from my family.  No one knew my bouts with drugs.  It was a clean slate.

              "I can't do this any more," Roger told me one afternoon after we had woken up.

            "What do you mean," I asked as I rolled over to face him.  I wasn't even fully awake yet and he was all ready bitching at me for something.

            "The drinking. The drugs.  I have been kicked out of my band and I was fired from my job.  I'm getting too old to do this crap day in and day out."  He explained to me as he looked at me before whispering,   "I think you should get clean too."

            I took a deep breath and sighed.  "Roger-"

            "April, listen.  It is something we can do together.  I want to eventually move out of here and get a real job.  I want to go back to college.  I'm older and I know what I want to do."

            I laughed, "And what would that be?"

            "I want to be a music teacher.  I want to help kids with their passions.  I want my life to have more meaning than it does now.  Don't you ever want more from life?"

            I coughed again.  I wasn't felling well but I didn't say anything.  I knew that it would be blamed on the drug usage.            "I tried, twice." 

            "I know you did, I know that you tried hard, but you didn't have anyone to help you or to cheer you on.  You had no one to go through it with.  This is something we can do together.  April, please at least think about it."  Roger begged.

            "Will that make you happy?  Do you want me to clean up and be happy and," I was interrupted by a cough and ran to the bathroom to vomit.  Roger followed me and held my hair back.  It was the fourth morning in the row that I started off by throwing up.

            "April, I really think you should go to the clinic."  Roger told me as he handed me a towel.

            "And what make you think this?"  I asked sarcastically.

            "Did you ever think you might be pregnant?"  Roger asked in a quiet voice, even though we were the only ones home.

            I gasped at the thought, "WHAT?" 

            "It was just a thought.  It could be the reason why you are throwing up in the morning."

            "Or I could just have the flu," I argued back.

            Roger smiled.  "I forgot you are Ms. Logical.  It was just a thought.  You should go to prove me wrong.  By the way, would it be such a horrible thing if you were pregnant?"  He asked with a smile.

            "I just never thought of it, that's all," I explained.  "I can't be, I mean, I haven't thought about it, I mean, where the hell are we going to put the baby?"

            Roger smiled and kissed the top of my head.  "It'll work out, really.  I would be excited if we would have a baby."

            "But we haven't talked about it or prepared or anything."

            "Slow down, we'll figure it out.  We have all the time in the world." 

            "Would you really?"  I asked as I knelt in front of him.

            "Would I what?" He smiled.

            "Would you really be okay with it?  I mean, you wouldn't leave or want me to leave?" 

            Roger got closer to me and held me.  "Of course I would stay and yes, I love the thought.  It should be a reason why you would want to get clean."

            I rested my head on his chest and smiled at the idea of the two of use having a baby.

            He next day I over heard a conversation which Roger never knew I heard.  I was standing out in our hall as I heard the conversation.

            "A baby?"  Mark asked in shock.

            "Who's having a baby, baby?"  Maureen asked as she kissed Mark on the cheek and joined in on his and Roger's conversation. 

            "No one yet, maybe, I don't know.  I think April is pregnant."  Roger said excitedly.  "She went to the clinic today.  We should get the results in a few days.  She's lying down.  Don't say anything to her that I told.  It isn't definite but you know, the thought is -"

            "Frightening."  Mark interrupted.

            "Terrifying."  Maureen added.  "Do you really want one of those things?  All they do is scream and yell for like eight teen years!"

            Roger chuckled.  "I don't think it is quit that long, but yeah, I want one of those things."

            "Well, if you and April are all right with the idea, then I am too, I guess."  Mark supported Roger.

            "Well, I, well, I guess I am happy for you two but keep that thing far away from me and when it's born hand me ear plugs.  I want no part in actually touching it or interacting with it."  Maureen explained.

            "Thank you, I think."  Roger said.  "Remember, don't say anything to April yet."

            "This call is for April Erickson.  Ms. Erickson, this is the clinic calling you with the results.  It is against the law for me to give you your test results over the phone so please call us so we can arrange a time to go over your results."  Both April and Roger heard the answering machine.

            "Well."  Roger had said to me while his head rested on the couch. 

            I was reading a book when I didn't even look at him and said, "Well."

            "What are we waiting for, let's go."  Roger said as he sat up.

            "Roger," I said as I put my book down.  "The clinic closes at five and it is almost four, we would get there just in time for them to tell us they are closed and we would have wasted our time.  We'll go first thing in the morning."

            Roger nodded.  He knew I was right.  He walked over to me and squeezed my shoulders.  "I'm just excited and antsy about the possibility of us having a baby.  Look," he said as he picked up the paper.  "I've even circled jobs in the paper that I am going to apply for tomorrow.  I even have an interview tomorrow at some restaurant.  I-shit, I have an interview tomorrow.  I'll cancel it." 

            "Why cancel it?"

            "Because I would like to know what is going on with you.  I want to go with you to see the doctor."

            "I can go by myself.  Plus, you don't know for sure that is what he is going to say.  Go to your interview. If I am with child, we're going to have to get some money.  I'll look for a job after my appointment."  I tried to talk some sense into him.

            "I would like to be there, really I would."

            "I know you would but I understand.  Plus, you have all ready promised me that you are going to stick by me no matter what.  That means a lot to me." 

            "You'll be honest with me, no matter what the doctor says, right?"

             I smiled at him.  "Of course I will tell you everything that I am told.  I promise."

            "Ms. Erickson?"  A petite nurse called my name with a smile.

            I stood up and followed her to the examination room and sat down.  She took my pulse and blood pressure and asked how I was feeling.  I told her the same.  She made some notes in my chart and then said the doctor would be with me in a few minutes.

            True to her word, the doctor only took a few minutes to get back to me.  "Hi doctor."  I said as he extended his hand.

            "I have the results of your tests back.  There is quite a bit of news I have to share with you.  The first bit of information is that you are indeed pregnant."

            _So Roger was right_, I thought to myself. 

            "I really don't know how to tell the other news."

            "Other news?  Is the baby all right?"  I asked a little scared.

            "So far, yes, but you have to set up an ultrasound.  April, have you had a lot of sexual partners?"  The doctor asked very bluntly.

            _What business was it of his to know who I was sleeping with_ I wondered to myself.  "Well, over the past several months I have been with the same man.  Besides that I have only slept with a handful of people ever.  Doctor, why do you need to know thus?"

            "April, I hate to tell you this but you are HIV positive.  I woul-"

            I had to interrupt him.  "Wow, wow, wow, wait a minute.  I'm not gay, I have nothing against gay people but isn't that a gay dieses?"

            "No it isn't.  That is a misconception.  You probably caught it through unsafe sex with a man who used dirty needles."

            I gulped.  "Dirty needles?" 

            "Yes, for drugs."

               I closed my eyes and cried.  I couldn't believe it.  It wasn't a man who gave it to me; it was me who gave it to me.  "Okay, it's an STD, how do I get rid of it?"

            The doctor shook his head and took off his glasses.  "April, we can give you medicine to slow it down but there is no cure for it."

            Tears began to fall down my cheek.  "What does this mean for me and for my baby?"

            "Well, for you we can give you a bunch of medicine but we have to do some tests on the baby and then figure it out.  There are some cases were the baby is born but has no sign of the virus ever.  Doctors are still puzzled why this happens.  April, I would suggest that you urge your partner to get tested."

            I nodded my head and left with tears.  I ran into the bathroom and threw up.  All of those years where I wasted my life by using drugs not only was going to affect me but my baby, and possibly Roger.  Oh god, Roger.  What did I do?


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven-Beginning of the End III

Authors note: Hello to anyone who maybe reading this. I havent touched this story in well over a year. I would have forgotten all about it too if I didnt find a notebook with the outline in the story. I need to finish this story. I dont know if anyone will be reading this, but please feel free to leave comments. There will probably be just one more chapter after this, maybe two.

Rated for drug use and reference. Enjoy!

I had decided to walk home from the doctors. I needed time to think. Not only was I pregnant but I had AIDS, well I was HIV positive, but it would turn into AIDS. My life was falling apart at the seams and all I wanted was to be high. Then I wouldnt have to deal with it any more. I wouldnt have to confront the fact that I was dying. I wouldnt have to confront Mark, Maureen, Benny, Collins or Roger. Oh god, Roger. Was he positive? Did I hand him a life sentence too? What did I do?

I took the long walk home. I walked through the park looking for _him_. My dealer. I needed a quick fix. All that talk that Roger was saying about getting cleaned up was just that. Even carrying a baby didnt make me want to sober up. I was going to die anyway so what was the point of cleaning up now?

Then, like a prince coming to a princesss rescue in a fairy tale, my dealer was coming to mine. I didnt make small talk with him. I showed him the cash and asked if he had a needle on him. Luckily, he did. I went towards the bush and knelt as I jabbed myself with the needle. I rolled over on my back and just laid there as the poison was traveling through my veins and throughout my body.

By the time I was able to get myself off the ground, it was night time. I had wasted the entire day and now, coming down from my high, I was expected to go back to the loft. I predicted the evenings events. Roger would be pissed that I got high. We would have an argument about it. Next he would calm down and ask what the doctor said. I would tell him that we are going to have a baby and he wouldnt be upset. He would pick me up and spin me around. Then, gloom would be over us. I would have to tell him about the disease that I gave us. The death sentences that I forced upon us.

As I walked into the front door of the loft, I was a little surprised to find the lights off. I turned on the living room light and there was no hint of anyone being around. After shutting off the light, I made my way towards the bedroom Roger and I shared. He wasnt in there. I was confused. No one was anywhere and there was no note. There was nothing else left but to go to bed.

The next morning I woke up alone in the bed. I walked out of the room to use the bathroom and Roger was asleep on the chair. Collins was passed out on the couch. I was happy that they came back from where ever they were. I knew Roger was pissed and chose not to share a bed with me. I decided to go back to bed once I was done using the rest room. I must have woken up Roger because he followed me back into the bedroom, closing the door.

Where were you last night? I asked with a slight grin on my face. I was lonely without you.

Knock it off April. Where were you? Roger asked standing while leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. I actually began to feel like I was a teenager being scolded by her parents.

I went for a walk after my appointment. I answered nonchalantly.

You left at nine-thirty in the morning April. We went looking for you when it started getting dark. We even went up towards Times Square and Central Park. Where were you? He asked softly. I knew he knew.

As I crawled back into our bed, I sat up and covered myself with the blanket. I sat cross legged under the covers and pushed my shoulder length hair behind my ears. Do I have to tell you what I was doing?

Roger shook his head in disgust. We talked about this. You were going to get clean. What happened? What did the doctor say?

_The doctor said I am going to die. Oh, by the way guess what honey? I think I killed you too._ Somehow I couldnt imagine having this conversation right now. Im pregnant. Im about three months along. Its a girl.

After starring at me some more, Roger uncrossed his arms and sat next to me on the bed. He ran his hand through his hair, which needed to be bleached badly. His roots were showing. Okay, Im going to calm down. April, you cannot use any of that crap any more. Its not just you and me, he began lecturing me as he placed his hands on my belly, its her too. Its our daughter. You have to do something if not for yourself, for her April. Ill help you however I can honey.

I leaned over to him and just cried and cried. He held me and dried my tears. He assured me everything was going to be all right. I didnt have the heart to tell him then about the rest of the information the doctor gave me the previous day.

It might have been the next day or maybe several weeks later, I dont remember. I went on another binge. I needed to be high. Roger was so excited about the prospect of becoming a father. He was thrilled beyond belief. He still didnt know his fate. Every time I tried to sit down and tell him, he assumed that I was just nervous about becoming a mother. He told me I was nervous about money and what we were going to do. He showed me a giant book. It was a GED examination book. He was going to keep his promise and earn his diploma so he could go to college. The more I tried, the more I couldnt keep my promise to him.

I found the dealer and told him this was my last visit and I really was going to stop. I couldnt do this to the baby. More so I couldnt do it to Roger. He wanted me clean more than anything else. I think he even wanted me clean more than he wanted the baby.

I walked. I walked all over the city. I was feeling bad for myself. That was the first time I thought about the could have beens. If I stayed in school could I have been on my way to Hollywood now to be that actress I so desperately wanted to be? Would I have changed my major and moved onto a different obsession? What would have happened if I stayed prim and proper like my parents raised me to be. Then, as I walked past a playground at about four, I noticed the little boy. He was pumping his legs on a swing. He was small with blonde hair. He was proud of himself for being able to get as high as he did on the swing. I wish I was content enough with that kind of high. My life would have been so less complicated if all it took to make me happy was playing at the playground.

Excuse me please. A very pregnant woman said as she walked by me with her son. When our eyes met, we realized that we knew each other. April? She cried?

Julie, hi. I said trying not to cry. I knew that she knew I was coming down from a high. We watched as Connor climbed all over the jumping structure. Hes so big.

Julie said nothing as she wiped her eyes. She just looked at me. What happened to you? She finally managed to ask.

I shrug my shoulder. I didnt know what to say. Julie, however, had plenty of things to say. What happened to you? I had faith in you. I really thought you were going to change April. I thought by now Connor was going to get to know his aunt and you would be my daughters godmother. I thought youd come home and Mom would stop crying. Do you know Dad pretends that you are dead so he can stop hurting? I really thought you would have gotten your act together by now. Im sorry April. Ive given you chances. I even pulled strings and got you into a rehab and a home and nothing seems to have worked. Im through April. Im really, really sorry baby sister, but Im done. I cant help you anymore. Julie said as tears began to rush from her eyes.

Before I could get a word in, Connor ran over to his mother. Whats wrong Mommy? Then he looked at me with angry eyes. Why did you make my Mommy cry? You are not nice. Who are you?

Once again before I could answer, Julie interrupted me. Shes no one honey. Come one, Im fine. Lets go play. With that said, Julie never looked back at me.

As I continued to walk around in a bad mood, I found a cute little over priced coffee shop not too far from the park. I ordered a coffee and sat down. I began to read the paper when I noticed two women enter the shop. They were very lovey dovey. I smiled and was happy for them. They got their coffee and a sandwich and made their way to the corner of the restaurant. They were using sweet terms of endearment on each other. One of the women was laughing so hard that she turned my way and I got a good look at her cheerful face. I almost spit my coffee out as she kissed her lover. It was Maureen. She was plainly cheating on Mark. I left quickly before I spotted. It could have been an awkward situation. Now I was stuck with the dilemma. Should I tell anyone? I was now thinking about something other than the pathetic life I was leading.

I wondered around the city for a little while longer. I decided to make my way back towards the loft after the sun went down for the day. I gave what little change I had left to a man beating a bucket using drum sticks. Then I walked past the sleazy club. I glanced into the door and saw Benny getting a privet dance from a woman with dirty blonde hair. I just shook my head. As I finally made it back to the loft, a young woman, hell, a girl younger than me was hanging outside the stoop smoking a cigarette. I bummed one off her before she went into her apartment to unpack.

As soon as I entered the apartment, Roger started with me again. He told me he was disappointed. He told me he loved me but he couldnt do this anymore. He took my secret stash (some secret) and dragged me by my wrist into the bathroom to flush it, with three needles, down the drain. You will stop. You have to April. He went to bed without saying another word to me. When I went to bed, he grabbed one of his pillows and a blanket and went out into the living room.

The next morning Roger began his new job. He got up and made both of us breakfast. He handed me the paper and told me I should also look for a job. He kissed me on my head as he left. After he was gone, it occurred to me I had been so messed up that I didnt even know what his job was.

Mark was leaving early too. He was going to shoot one of Maureens protests and city folks. Collins was going to a job interview. Benny, well, Benny never made it home the night before. After leaving the club, he probably went back to Muffys as Roger so kindly called Allison. That left me all alone. Alone for pretty much the whole day. I was frightened and excited. It was going to be a productive day. I was going to do laundry and go food shopping. I was going to cook a big dinner for everyone. I decided not to say anything to anyone about catching Maureen cheating on Mark (and with a woman).

After I finished Roger and my laundry, I made a shopping list. I left and went to the store. I still had plenty of time. I was even going to take a nap when I got back. When I reached the loft, I notice my dealer standing on the sidewalk with my new neighbor. Evidently she also enjoyed the same things I did. I mean had. I wasnt going to do that anymore.

Hey honey, he smiled at me. Since you have been such a good client, here, have this stuff for free. He put the drugs into my shopping bag.

I cant. Thank you, but I am quitting. I dont have any more needles. So I cant use it.

The young Hispanic girl watched me as I tried to say no. She just laughed as she gave me one of her needles hidden in her purse. Consider it a gift.

A smiled politely as I made my way upstairs. Just because I had it didnt mean I had to use it. I would simply flush it down the toilet. No one would know. It would be my little secret. On my way upstairs, one of the plastic bags ripped down the middle. I picked up my belongings and then I starred at it. It was looking at me in the face. The needle landed right on the middle of the bag. I took a deep breath and picked it up. I wasnt going to do this. I picked it up with every intention of getting rid of it. As I began walking upstairs, I heard someone behind me. It turned to see Roger walking away.

Hey, I called over to him. Where are you going? Roger?

Without turning back, he yelled, do you really care? as he walked towards the door.

Roger, it isnt what you thought it was. Really, come back and lets talk. I said sitting down the groceries as he slammed the front door and left. I was going to go after him, but I decided he just needed to cool off.

I picked up the food again and began to go up the stairs again. I was crying as I entered the loft and threw the food on the table. I grabbed the drugs and needle and went into the bathroom. I stood over the toilet and looked at the needle. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. I held onto the little baggie for a minute before dumping it with the needle and immediately flushing it. I just went into the bedroom and laid down and cried into the pillow. I never did get around to making dinner.

When I woke up, I walked into the living room. Mark was there reading some papers. He looked up at me. Hey, I didnt hear you come in.

I just woke up. Heres a surprise, Roger got angry and stormed away. I explained as I sat across from him.

What happened? He inquired as he placed the papers on the table.

I took a deep breath and summed up the events of earlier that day. Basically, I had drugs that were given to me.

And you wonder why he got mad. Mark commented.

No, Mark, just listen. It wasnt like that. I looked at it. I really did, I wanted to use it, but I didnt do it. After he got angry and wouldnt talk to me, I came back here and flushed them myself.

Mark looked shocked. Really? You flushed them?

I nodded. Then I was upset and laid down.

A smile came across the filmmakers face. Really? You did that?

I nodded again. It doesnt matter. He isnt going to believe me.

Mark moved a little closer to me. April, I can tell you didnt use. You look good. Your eyes arent all glossed over and I am having a normal conversation with you. This is big. I am proud of you for doing what you did! It is a huge step. We should celebrate when Roger is back.

A small smile found its way back to my face. I turned around and looked at Mark. Do you think I can really do it? Do you think I can get off that crap and stay off?

I think with help from everyone, you will be able to do. Let me go find Roger and gather everyone. We will all help you. Mark said as he gave me a hug. I was truly starting to believe that I was going to be all right.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight- The End

Things were good, at least for a little while. Everyone was very supportive and helped me in any way I needed help. I got a job filing papers at a lawyers office. It wasnt great, but at least it was something to do and paid well. Roger was enjoying his job as a cook at a local restaurant. He liked it and worked hard on studding for his big test in a few weeks. He still didnt know what I knew about his fate.

It had been almost two weeks since I used. I was on my way home. I had left work early. I climbed up the subway stairs and turned the corner and saw the dealer. I held my head up high and walked past him.

Hey sweetie. I havent seen you in a while. How have you been? He asked looking at my neatly ironed clothes.

Good thanks. I told you I was done with that stuff. I told him as I started walking faster.

Havent you figured it out yet? You will never be off that stuff. Its part of you sweet April. It will always be part of you. You cant give it up, youre not strong enough, he told me as he walked at my pace.

Ive been clean for two weeks.

He just smiled and clapped. Two weeks out of how long? Youll be back. Ill probably see you in a few days. Here, let me give you a welcome back gift, he told me as he put a little stash and needle into my purse. Ill see you soon. He then disappeared and began to walk the opposite direction.

When I got home, Maureen was home. This was the first time we were alone together since I saw her with the other woman. I debated whether or not I was going to say anything to her. I decided against it. She and Mark seemed really happy.

Hey, what are you doing home? She asked as she sat on the couch eating some chips. She offered me some but I just shook my head.

I had to work only a half a day. What are you doing? Isnt there a cause worth fighting for that you should be at? I asked as I sat next to her.

She smiled. No, Mark and I are going to be getting some dinner in a little while. Roger is working late, so you want to come with us?

Nah. Im going to stick around here. Thanks though. I said as I rested my hands on my stomach. I didnt think I was eating enough. I had barely gained five pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I figured I would gain the weight the farther into the pregnancy went on.

How are you doing, you know with the whole drugs thing? She asked.

Or there lack of, I corrected her. Im all right. Its hard, but what can I do? I have to do this, right?

Maureen shook her head and put her hand on my shoulder. Well I think you are brave. Youve been through a lot and I think youll make it through this, she told me with a smile. We made small talk for a few minutes before she showered and changed. Once ready, she asked me if I wanted to go again and I still said no. I had laundry to do and someone had to wash the dishes in the sink.

I was alone again in the loft. Roger would be home in a few hours. I started switching my current purse to a newer one Maureen gave me. As I put the final items in my new purse, I remembered the needle and power. I was walking it into the bathroom. I didnt understand why my dealer cared that I didnt want to use it any more. I mean, he wasnt making very much money off of me. I didnt understand.

As I stood again above the toilet and ready to flush it, I looked long and hard at it. I thought of my conversation with Maureen and then the one with Mark. All of those conversations and lectures Roger had with me. The memories actually made me want to use it in the worse way. Was I a drama queen? Did I like the attention? Why would I do that to people I cared about and who cared about me? These people I lived with, my family cared and loved me. It didnt matter. I still wanted it in the worse way. Then I thought I could use it just one more time and never again. I put the toilet seat down and sat there with the needle. What was one more time anyway?

After the fact, I decided to go for a walk. I must have been out for awhile. When I walked back into the loft, there were decorations everywhere and presents. I was trying to think if I had missed a birthday. I couldnt remember. Then I walked into the bedroom and Roger sat on the bed, still in his clothes reading his big book. He didnt need to use words to explain how he was feeling. I knew from just his look. He just looked at his book.

What Roger? Say something? Anything? I asked as I sat next to him. I put my hands on his shoulders and gently squeezed them. He got up and walked away.

Seriously April, you have to ask? Youve been gone for how many hours? We thought you were doing so well that Maureen decided to throw you a little party, except you werent here. I was worried for about four seconds before it hit me, you love your drugs too much.

No, this was the last time Roger.

Right, he said while leaning against the wall. I dont know what else to do April. I cant keep doing this. I cant handle what you are doing to yourself, to the baby. You are too selfish to care about anyone other than yourself.

I got up. I maybe many things, but I am certainly not selfish. I told you this was the last time.

Right, until you have a relapse again and we have this conversation again. Im done April, he yelled before he started crying. Im done. I cant do this anymore. I love you and care about you. I cant wait to have this baby with you, but I cant stand to see you like this. There is nothing I can do to make you see that you are hurting yourself and the baby. Youre not even giving her a chance to live. If that isnt selfish, I dont know what is.

I looked at his face and just shook my head. I grabbed my jacket and slammed the bedroom door. Not even five minutes into my walk, he saw me.

Hi sweetie, he said to me with a grin. Hows that staying clean thing going for you? He asked. I think he knew I was coming off a high.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes. I handed him a wad of cash. He put one arm around me as he grabbed a stash and yet another needle from his jacket pocket with his free hand. I grabbed it and stormed away. I used it and then, what else, I took a walk. I slowly walked around what had become my neighborhood.

After hours of walking, I went home. The sun was just about to rise. In just a few hours I would call Mr. Jeffersons office and tell him I was sick and miss work.

When I entered the loft, it was like the other night I got high. There was no one home. I had a feeling they were all to looking for me. Instead of going to bed, I decided to look for them to tell them I was all right. As I went walking I found myself outside the Life Caf. I was a little surprised that it was opened in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe they had just opened for breakfast I thought to myself.

As I got closer to the building, I stopped. There I saw every single one of them laughing and happy. I looked at all of them. Mark. Maureen. Collins. Even Benny was there. Roger. Of course Roger. He actually looked truly happy for the first time since I met him. He was smiling as he and Collins gave each other a high five. They were no doubt mocking Mark. Maureen crawled into Marks lap and gave him a kiss. I wondered if poor Mark knew about the girl I saw Mo with the other day. I just stared. Even Benny was joking around and tickling Maureen. They looked like the picture of happiness. I took one more look and saw them laughing. Not just a ha, ha laugh. It was the kind of laugh that came from the bottom of your stomach. The kind of laugh that after only a moment it hurt to laugh that hard.

It was at that moment that I knew that, even with his baby, Roger didnt want me anymore. I knew he wanted the baby; he just didnt want me anymore. He was the kind of man who would stay true to his promise and stay with me after the baby.

I immediately ran from the restaurant front to the park. I desperately looked for him. If there was ever a time I needed to get high, it was now. I had just seen how much Roger didnt need me. I needed something to take the pain away. I fell over in the middle of the park and just cried. I couldnt blame Roger for not wanting me anymore. He asked only one thing from me, one thing only. To clean up and I couldnt do it. That was the only thing he wanted and I couldnt give it to him.

I quickly picked myself up and went to the loft before any of them left the restaurant. I walked through the front door and up the stairs and into the loft. I was in pain, real pain. I wanted it to end. I saw a pair of scissors on the coffee table and grabbed them and went into the bathroom. Then I came out and sat n the couch.

I thought about events that lead me to where I was. I thought about Lucas and then Candice. I thought about how Roger still didnt know his destiny and that it was my fault. If he was pissed at me for hitting the smack, hed go nuts about me slowly killing him. I put my hand on my stomach. I was pretty sure since I wasnt gaining weight, not eating and didnt feel the baby kicking that I killed her. I murdered my daughter in a similar way that I had killed her father. I couldnt bear it any more.

I thought about Julie and her disappointment. I thought about the only real conversation I had with Connor was one where he yelled at me for making his mother cry. I thought about my parents. My own father thought it was better to think of me as dead instead of someone who had a problem.

I thought about how I used again and let everyone down. Everyone in the loft was so willing to be helpful. Mark and Maureen keeping me company while Roger worked. I loved it when we played Scrabble and Maureen would make up words. Mark would call her out on it, but it was fun listening to all of the pookies and tender loving banter that went on between the two of them. I thought about how Collins had spent time with me and took me out to museums and educating me about the exhibits. I felt he was always my own personal teacher. Benny was even fun to hand around with. Hed help me with the food shopping once in a while. It was always so much easier when he had Allisons car to lug the groceries back in.

Then I thought about Roger. I cried as I closed my eyes and pictured his face. The doom I brought him was more than I could bear any more. I picked up one of Maureens posters and began to jot things down. I tour the poster into several pieces and left them where I knew the people they were intended for would get them. I went into the bathroom. The room where I chose to get high all those times. I entered that room and closed the door.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9-The End II

Authors note: So I changed the original way I wrote the story (or from at least what I found in my notes). I dont know how I feel about it, but Im going to finish it anyway. The story wont be in Aprils perspective any more (as youll soon find out). It is going to be told in third person.

No Roger, thats fine. Just go straight to work. Mark told his friend. Ill call you at the diner if I see her.

Roger man, Ill give you a ride. My car is down the street, Benny chimed in.

If she isnt back at the loft Mark, Collins and I will go looking for her. If we find her, someone will let you know. I promise. Maureen told Roger as she placed her hand on his shoulder.

Hey man, worst case scenario is we dont find her and right when its been twenty-four hours well go to the police and file a missing persons report. Collins began to explain.

Roger nodded. He knew that April was probably sound asleep in their bed back at the loft, as she always was. This time he had a pit in his stomach and felt different. As he thought about their last fight, he thought maybe he was too tough on her. She stormed out of the loft so quickly when he was yelling at her, that by the time he cooled down, she still hadnt come home. At three thirty that morning he decided to go looking for her. He went into the living room where Collins and Benny were still up and talking and drinking. When he explained how he and April fought and she hadnt come back yet, Benny handed him a beer. As he sat and chugged the beer, he told his friends he was going to look for April. Then Maureen got up to use the bathroom and asked what they were doing still awake. When Collins explained they were going to go out looking for April, Maureen told them she would get dressed and go with them. She woke up Mark and told him what was going on. Before Roger knew it, his family was out looking for his lover. He promised himself once she was back home; he wouldnt be so tough on her. Roger was hoping he would get a call at the diner while he was working telling him that April was home and in bed asleep. He nodded as his friends all gave him a hug. Thanks guys, he said trying to hold in his emotions. He then followed Benny to the car and they were off.

Collins then left to go tutor at a community college leaving Mark and Maureen to go back to the loft. Maureen needed to get ready for another stand in she was taking part in. This time she was protesting animal right with PETA. As they entered the loft, Mark began to kiss her.

Not that you need a reason, but what was that for? Maureen asked with a smile as they stood outside their apartment door.

Because I love you. Im thankful that Im not Roger and in his shoes. Im happy that we are so open and honest with one another that things that are happening with Roger and April wouldnt happen with us. Mark explained as he gave her one more kiss before unlocking the door.

Maureen followed holding his hand with her head held low. She let go. Im going to look in and see if April made it home. Maureen felt bad after Marks comment about their relationship. She felt bad that he had no idea how she felt. This wasnt the time to start discussing it.

Mark followed Maureen to the door to the room that Roger and April shared. He knocked lightly but there was no answer.

You have to knock louder than that, Maureen told him.

If shes sleeping I dont want to wake her, Mark rebutted.

Maureen just opened the door slowly. Shes not here, Maureen whispered.

Mark sadly shook his head. Im going to go to get a few hours of sleep. Care to join me?

I cant. I have to get ready to protest with PETA. She answered as she walked into her bedroom. She hadnt noticed that her sign that she worked so hard on was gone.

Youre not a vegetarian and you wear leather, why are you going with them again? They are so radical. Mark inquired as he changed from his jeans to a pair of sweatpants.

Thats it. They are so radical. I want to learn from them. Maureen answered as she picked out a blue cotton t-shirt to wear.

Mark just shook his head. He didnt always understand his girlfriend but that was all right. He loved her just the same. He gave her one more kiss. Ill see you afterwards. We can go look for April if she isnt back yet. Love you.

Maureen put her arms around Marks neck. She could at least play the part of loving girlfriend even if she wasnt completely feeling it. Sounds like a plan mister. Ill see you later. Love you too.

Maureen walked into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. She realized she left her face soap in the shower last night. She pulled the shower curtain to grab it but she was startled. She didnt remember screaming when Mark entered the room.

Mo, what is, Jesus, he whispered as he saw what Maureen had seen. April was laying in their bath tub. Dried blood looked like it left her wrist fell in the tub. Mark grabbed Maureens head and pushed it into his shoulder. He didnt want her to stare at her friends lifeless body any more. Mark studied Aprils face. In a way she looked peaceful. Her eyes were still opened but didnt look sad. He held onto Maureen as he walked her back to their room.

Once they were composed, Mark mentioned, I cant tell Roger something like this over the phone. I should tell him in person.

Im going with you. I dont want to be alone. Oh my god Mark, she was all alone when she did that. I wonder how she felt. Maureen questioned almost crying as she grabbed her sweatshirt and followed Mark out of their room and out of their apartment. Mark held onto her hand and lead the way.

Thanks man, I owe you one, Roger told his boss. Roger explained the happenings of the previous night to his boss. He agreed that Roger should be out looking for April and not making coffee and eggs.

He got home pretty quickly. He entered the loft and assumed that Mark and Maureen were sleeping. He opened his bed room door hoping to find his April there asleep. He had versioned that she would be wearing one of his old T-shirts and asleep with the blankets pulled up to her chin. She liked being covered up with the blankets. On really cold nights she would hog them. When he opened the door, a frown appeared on Rogers face. He layed down on his bed for a few minutes. He didnt know if he should look for her some more or just hang low in case she came back. He took off his shoes and sat on his bed. After much debate with himself, he decided hed study for a little while before going to look for April.

He went to open the book when he found part of Maureens protest sign shoved in the middle. He took it out and immediately recognized Aprils handwriting.

_Roger,_

_ Where do I even start? Oh my god. I know it doesnt seem like it but you are the best thing about my life. I killed our relationship so many different ways and I am sorry. I dont deserve to have someone like you in my life. I dont deserve you wasting your energy on me. I am such a bad person Roger; I dont think you even understand what I have done. Remember those times I tried talking to you about things? You though I was just scared about becoming a mother. It wasnt that (well, yes it was but there was more). When I went to the doctors office that first time, yes he told me that I was pregnant, but there was more. He told me I had AIDS. Roger I got it from a needle. I got it from the needle that I shared with you and then we had sex. I am sorry that I killed you. Thats bad but theres more. I think I killed our baby. I never felt her move and I didnt gain any weight (sorry, just three pounds) in the almost five months that I was pregnant. I cant even begin to apologize. I know I blew things and I cant even say sorry because I know that is in no way enough. I dont know how to make it enough. I dont deserve to have you sad about what could have been between us and our almost family. I also wanted to thank you for trying and being kind to me. I really did love you. I am so sorry for everything. I can make something right now. You wont have to lecture me anymore. Im not here anymore._

_ I love you, April_

Roger put the note on the bed and just stared at it. There was so much to take in. He reread the letter. His daughter was taken from him. April told him via letter that he was dying. He threw the letter down and put his shoes back on. Just a she did, Mark and Maureen had entered the loft.

Oh my god Roger, Maureen said crying.

Mark put his arm on his friend. We went down to the diner and your boss said he let you leave early.

Roger pushed his friends hand away from him. He was fuming. Yeah, he let me leave to look for April. Any one heard from her?

You mean you didnt know? Maureen asked putting her hand over her mouth.

Roger shook his head in disgust. Have you seen her? Do you know what she did? You have to see this letter, Roger said going back into his room to retrieve the note. Mark and Maureen just looked at each other. Before exchanging words, Roger came back and threw the letter at the couple as Roger sat on the couch.

My poster, Maureen mumbled as she picked up the note. She and Mark read the note as Roger sat on the couch. Both of their mouths opened wide. They now knew Rogers fate too. That makes things understandable.

What do you mean? You mean she left because she couldnt tell me these things to my face? She left because she was a coward? Roger asked looking out the giant window.

Roger, April is dead. Mark blurted out not knowing how to tell him.

Roger rolled his eyes. What does that mean?

I found her this morning in the bath tub. Thats why we went to find you at work. She is in the bathroom. She must have done it while we were out looking for her last night, Maureen told her friend as she sat next to him on the couch.

Roger put his head in his hands and shook his head. Are you serious? She wouldnt. She didnt. Really?

Im sorry, Mark told his best friend from grade school as he sat next to him. Shes still there. We didnt know if you wanted to see her before we called, you know, the police.

Roger put his head in his hands again. Tears streamed from his eyes. Shes still in there? he asked.

Mark nodded as Maureen stared out the window. She never liked emotional scenes. Roger made his way to the bathroom. He walked in and closed the door. He pulled open the shower curtain and saw her with his own eyes. He sat on the toilet silently and just looked at her. He had so much he wanted to say to her, but what was the point. We got closer and just held her hand with dried blood. He kissed her hand. I hope you know you didnt have to do this. We would have gotten through this somehow. Oh April, what did you do? He picked her body up. The lifeless vessel rested upon him as he let out a wail of a cry. He kissed her forehead and gently placed her bad. He stood up and washed his face. He looked at her one more time before changing in an instant. He walked out of the room and looked at Mark. Call them now. Im going for a walk.

While watching him walk out, Mark knew it would take a lot for Roger to come back. Mark didnt realize at that moment how the next six months would be. He took a deep breath and made the call as he worried about his best friend. It was only the beginning of the worrying.


End file.
